Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
