I got chris browned last night
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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