Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
