We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize