my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
