I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
