I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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