now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
