Just fell off a train. Bad.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
ok first of all what the fuck
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
