piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
please come you make the beer taste better
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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