so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
These tits shall not be calmed
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
