Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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