On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
