i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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