my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
