I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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