I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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