She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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