Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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