Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
