is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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