onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just sucked dick on a ferry
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
