I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
