I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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