I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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