Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
