He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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