i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He felt like a one man threesome
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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