dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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