Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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