I think my vagina is haunted
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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