Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
