I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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