so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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