So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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