dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
