We named our party play list daddy issues
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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