I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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