Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
