well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
