moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
