i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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