her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Sorry about my life...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize