I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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