just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
