I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
