She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
