I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
