I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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