is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
