I met the friendliest cop last night
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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