I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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