i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Enjoy the penises
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize