im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
