there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Randomize
