I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
