Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Randomize