i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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