i think i have two assholes
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Boobs speak an international language.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Dick very happy bro
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
